Defending my life

My friend Susan is a psychic and an intuitive counselor. So when she recommended that I watch that old Albert Brooks/Meryl Streep film, Defending Your Life, I figured that she knew I'd like it...

I may even have seen the film 20 years ago or so when it first came out. I can't remember. Albert Brooks plays Daniel Miller, an ad exec living in L.A., who crashes his brand new BMW convertible into an oncoming bus and dies. He is sent to Judgment City -- the comfort stop between heaven and a one-way ticket back to earth to try and get it right another time around. There, in Judgment City, the newly dead are asked to defend their lives during the day and are free to socialize and dine in the evenings. In Judgment City, Daniel meets Julia, played to perfection, of course, by the luminous Meryl Streep.

Daniel, as it turns out, is not as evolved as Julia, and the judges decide to send him back for another shot at life on earth. Daniel isn't sent back because he's a bad person or a failure. No, he gives to charities and he earns a good living and he does lots of things right. Daniel is sent back because he lives in fear. The motivating force in his life is Fear. Fear of what people will think, fear of what people will say, fear of making a fool of himself, fear of being laughed at.

(This being Hollywood, Daniel overcomes his fear in the final three minutes and is happily reunited with the heaven-bound Meryl Streep. Roll credits.)

Lately, I've grown afraid of dying. I think that given the circumstances that's probably pretty understandable. And it's a fear I'll work on in time. But here's another fear: an old fear and a fear that is limiting and will stop me in my tracks if I try to live in this moment. Fear of going broke. Fear of not being able to afford. Fear of being a spendthrift. Frivolous. Out of control. I grew up with my father's fear of poverty. I internalized that fear and made it my own.

I don't want to get to Judgment City and discover that because I was always so concerned about financial security I missed the point. So I've decided to commit to something as a first step of pushing past this unfounded but disproportionately sabotaging fear: I am going to stop talking about money. Period. Punto y aparte. I am setting a goal of making myself go one entire month without so much as a peep about how much something costs. That goes for the internal dialogue, as well.

This ought to clear out a lot of fear and also a lot of fear-based thinking. Lots more room, lots more energy for something else. We fill the spaces we're not using. I'll pay attention to what I make room for. Maybe it will be some grief and some sadness; maybe some memories that hurt a little bit but feel good, too. Maybe some fun. Maybe a new hobby. Maybe time for blogging. Maybe a friendship. Maybe a connection.

Maybe seems so much more promising to me than fear. There is possibility in Maybe. That feels right. Should make it so much easier to defend my life and defend my choices when the time comes...